Grief, shame and losing your identity after job loss

If today is a bad day

Why it feels like grief

A job gives you more than pay. It gives you a place to be, people to talk to, a way of introducing yourself and a sense that you're useful. When it goes, you lose all of that at once, often with no warning and no say. Grief is a normal response to that loss.

People describe a mix of shock, anger, guilt, relief, numbness, and waves of sadness that arrive out of nowhere. You may also grieve the future you expected, such as the promotion, the mortgage plan or the retirement you'd mapped out. None of this means you're weak or doing it wrong. There is no correct order and no set timeline.

Shame and the story you tell yourself

Shame says, 'I'm a failure.' The facts are usually different. Redundancy means the role is no longer needed. Plenty of capable, hard-working people are made redundant every year, and often a whole team goes. It's also common to feel ashamed about needing a benefit. Using Work and Income is using a system you've paid into through tax; it's there for exactly this.

• Try separating the event ('my role was disestablished') from the verdict ('I'm worthless'). Write both down. Only the first is a fact.
• Notice 'always' and 'never' thinking ('I'll never work again'). Swap it for something checkable ('I haven't had an interview yet').
• Talk to someone who's been through it. Shame shrinks when it is spoken aloud to someone safe.
• Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a mate in the same spot.

Who are you when you're not 'the job'?

If your identity was wrapped up in your work, the gap can be disorienting. You can rebuild by widening the list of things you are: a parent, sibling, neighbour, mate, sports player, maker, volunteer, learner, someone's whānau. Te Whare Tapa Whā, the Māori model of health developed by Sir Mason Durie, is a useful frame. It describes wellbeing as a whare with four walls: taha tinana (physical), taha hinengaro (mental and emotional), taha whānau (family and social) and taha wairua (spiritual), all resting on the whenua (land, place, belonging). When work falls away, one wall is shaky. The task is to strengthen the other three while you rebuild.

• Tinana: move, eat regularly, sleep, keep alcohol low.
• Hinengaro: keep a routine, limit doom-scrolling, do something that uses your brain that isn't job-hunting.
• Whānau: see people. Say what you need: company, practical help, or just to be heard.
• Wairua: whatever connects you to something bigger, such as church, marae, nature, music, time with your people.
• Whenua: get outside. Spend time in places where you feel you belong.

What to say to people

Getting support

• Your GP practice: ask about free brief counselling (see the guide on free mental health support).
• 1737: call or text any time to talk to a trained counsellor.
• Depression Helpline 0800 111 757 if you're noticing low mood that won't lift.
• Signs you should see a doctor soon: low mood most days for two weeks or more, losing interest in things you usually enjoy, big changes in sleep or appetite, panic attacks, or using alcohol or drugs to cope.
• Thoughts of suicide: see the guide on crisis and suicide. You are not alone and help is available right now.